I saw this woman walking along the beach alone and very deep in thought. Her thoughts didn't appear to be worries but more deep contemplation. She stopped once and sat down staring at the ocean. Though I captured that moment, her stroll seemed so much more powerful. It seemed almost as if she was accompanied by whatever had brought her to the beach and was consuming her mind. The story is my interpretation of what I saw through my lens. Enjoy this random act of prose...
The Beach
Gay? Evelyn repeated the word over and over again as she walked along the beach. The gritty sand occupied the space between her toes giving her the only source of pleasure she was capable of feeling. Gay? How could he be gay? How could that be possible?
Evelyn retraced the steps of her life in her mind hoping to find a clue that would explain or rationalize the events of that morning. The sound of the small waves creeping up the shore brought back memories of playing on the beach as a child. Her brother, Charlie daring their parents to rescue him, would stealthily creep deeper and deeper into the ocean. Her father would warn him in his most authoritative tone, “Charlie, that’s far enough!” Ever the rebellious child, Charlie would slip further and further away from their sight. The last day that Evelyn would step foot into the ocean was when Charlie went a half a step too far and was swept into the under current. Evelyn remembered how quickly her father moved from his beach chair to the ocean. In what seemed like a second, her father was holding the limp body of her brother in his strong, tanned arms. She remembered standing and watching her brother’s lifeless body and the tears between her mother and father soaking the sand beneath them. She remembered being completely incapable of feeling anything after Charlie’s death for what seemed like forever. The broad shoulders that held Charlie comforted her during her years of mourning. Her father allowed Evelyn to glean from his strength as she struggled with God’s decision to invite Charlie into heaven so soon. Had it not been for the strength of her father, Evelyn was sure she would have never made it and would have never allowed herself to feel or love again.
Gay? How was it possible?
Kevin never pushed her to return to the water. He was so patient that way. Even with their two boys, Kevin would persuade, rather than push. On the day before he proposed, Kevin sat her down and gave her what felt like a sales pitch on a life spent with him. It was unnecessary because since the very first day they met, she was completely sold. She was walking along the same stretch of beach when he went whizzing by on his first daily run. He had just bought a condo in the area and decided that it was the perfect place for him to get exercise. It took about two weeks of running before he finally stopped and initiated what would turn into a whirlwind courtship followed by a picture perfect wedding. She was so proud to introduce Kevin to her mother and father. The two men hit it off instantly because of their similar personalities and strengths. Kevin was everything her father hoped Charlie would have become.
Their two boys would follow shortly after and for sixteen years they worked diligently at keeping their vows. She told Kevin all about Charlie; she also begged him to not allow her fear of the water to affect their sons. He was so gentle but firm with them both. He always held their hand but allowed them to venture safely away from him to develop their own sense of independence. Now at fifteen and thirteen, they were becoming men. Much like her father's paternal instincts and expertise, Kevin now played the roll of "rock" in her life, giving her a safe and stable place to lean upon.
Evelyn thought of her sons as the word spun around in her head. She sat on the sand and thought of how she would feel had one of them associated the word with their lifestyle or their sense of identity. What does it mean? What would it mean to her? She never had to deal with the impact of homosexuality though she had friends who were openly gay. She was uncomfortable with the harshness that the world treated gay people but never thought for a moment she would have to confront her own feelings toward homosexuality. She feared becoming a bigot and feared even more that her experience would shape her feelings about people she didn’t know. During the elections, she voted against gay marriage only because her friends influenced her. In all honesty, she had no idea how she felt. She believed in God but also believed in people’s right to choose. She believed in the sanctity of marriage but also believed that it was hypocritical for a nation that has destroyed marriage to use it as a means of exclusion. So what would she do if one of her boys approached her and boldly said, “Mom, I’m gay.”
Evelyn wanted to believe that she would understand. She wanted to believe that she would embrace her son and comfort him. She wanted to be assured in her mind that she could remove any feelings her boy may have of rejection or disappointment. Could she continue being a mother to a son who had, in effect, walked into the firing lines of bigotry, stereotyping, and hate? Could she accept her son and understand his lifestyle though she wasn’t sure she understood the lifestyle. She only hoped that her instincts of being a nurturing mother would supersede her confusion about being gay.
Secretly, she wished that it were one of her boys that had confessed his secret desires. She wished that it could be so easy. The man who admitted his past after so many years couldn’t be mothered. She couldn’t protect him from judgment because she was so tormented by her own. Did he not know how many people would suffer in the wake of a secret he kept for so many years? Did he not know how this secret would rock the very foundation she and her family stood upon? So many years, so many years of lying wouldn’t allow her to discover her feelings about what it meant to be evolutionarily different. Evelyn forced herself to believe that the hate she felt had nothing to do with the lifestyle he chose but the manner in which he revealed his decision. This was a man she respected and admired, a man who had been there for her in her time of vulnerability. Now she felt betrayed. She felt the world, as she knew it, was filled with untruths. Evelyn stared out into the blue ocean that had taken her brother. She closed her eyes and heard Charlie’s laughter harmoniously singing with the swaying tide. She prayed that God would give her the strength to once again accept what she could not control.
